Monster: Rehab Peach Tea

April 28, 2024

today we’re talking about something a bit new: Rehab Peach Tea. the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is “Brewed Peach Tea.”

this is my first time trying one of the “rehab” Monsters. I thought the whole point of Rehab Monsters was that they weren’t caffeinated (hence rehab……) but, no, it’s still caffeinated. it isn’t carbonated though, which means I don’t get my 10 cent deposit. sad. while we’re on the topic of word choice, let me tell you a story the words “Rehab Monster” trigger memories of. in high school I knew a guy who was perhaps the most devout (protestant) christian I’ve met below the age of 50. his drug policy was “if god made it, you can do it,” so he would smoke weed but he wouldn’t drink alcohol. he wouldn’t even drink coffee, because he thought caffeine addictions led people away from god. however, he was also addicted to Monster Energy and had literally been hospitalized for it at one point. you’d think the hospitalization would be what triggered him adopting that policy, but he was literally drinking a can of Monster as he told me the words, “if god made it, you can do it.” I often think about him when I’m drinking Monster. sometimes I want to hit him up and grill him about the philosophical implications of his actions. was it the strength of his addiction? was it cognitive dissonance? or did he know something I didn’t? this is the kind of stuff I think about as I fall asleep at night.

anyways, I’m still trying to puzzle out the differences between a Rehab Monster and a regular Monster. I have Ultra Peachy Keen with me for comparison purposes, so let’s take a look.

the first major difference is that Ultra Peachy Keen is a “Juice” Monster, while Rehab Peach Tea is (as the name suggests) a “Tea” Monster. presumably this means it’ll taste less sweet (like juice) and more…subtle? however you describe the taste of tea. I’m not really a fan of tea and I don’t drink it at all. I’m not too worried about this though, because I like bottled teas that have been diluted to the point they’re basically juice (like Brisk or Peace Tea) and I imagine this will be similar.

the Rehab Monster doesn’t have a fun can description. instead it has a list of all of Rehab’s selling points: advanced hydration, electrolytes (sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium), reduced fatigue, increased concentration, vitamins (b3, b5, b6, b12), coconut water, and botanicals (milk thistle, quercetin). have I mentioned on this blog before how much I fucking hate the word “botanical” used as a noun? that’s a fucking plant. it just sounds so stupid. botanical is an adjective. that’s like saying I’ve got “greens” in my tea, and honestly I would prefer that phrasing.

Anyways. in comparing actual ingredients, Ultra Peachy Keen has vitamin b3 (250% vs Rehab’s 240%), b6 (230% in both Ultra and Rehab), b12 (490% vs Rehab’s 480%), b5 (400% vs 390%), and is “not a significant source of…vitamin D, calcium, iron, and potassium.” I know this isn’t how percentages work, but I find it kind of funny that Rehab is lower on almost all accounts. wake up sheeple.
(addendum while we’re discussing proportions: the Rehab is 15.5 fl oz/458mL, whereas Ultra Peachy Keen is 16 fl oz/473mL, but the cans are the same size. what’s up with that?)

I also want to point out the “signature blends.” Ultra Peachy Keen’s is “taurine, caffeine, l-carnitine, inositol” with 160mg caffeine “from all sources.” meanwhile, Rehab’s is “glucose, taurine, caffeine, inositol, l-carnitine” with 160mg caffeine “from all sources.” why did they switch the order around? that’s so silly.

finally in discussing ingredients, around the rim of the can, Ultra Peachy Keen has “L-CARNITINE + TAURINE + ZERO SUGAR + ” I think this is a good setup. very straightforward about what is and is not in your drink. meanwhile Rehab has “REFRESH + RECOVER + REVIVE” (notice no “+” after “revive” to create a looping string). is this because they felt their tea had so many special ingredients they needed to create a seven point bulleted list in place of just wrapping the list around the rim (foregoing a snappy can description in the process)? probably. however, this creates a gap in the consumer’s knowledge. which ingredients are refreshing me? which are helping me recover? which are reviving me? while we’re at it, what am I recovering from? what is causing me to need to be revived? one would benefit from a can description here. give me your actual sales pitch.

for comparison, Powerade’s Ion4 drink lists its special ingredients (sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium) and then, immediately under them, “helps replenish 4 electrolytes lost in sweat.” this is a conversation between producer and consumer; the question has been answered before it’s even been asked. meanwhile, with Rehab, I’m asking, “why do I need milk thistle in my energy drink?” and my cries are going unheard. “why is there coconut water in my peach tea?” and I’m being met with silence. “why am I being revived? I hadn’t realized I died?” and my voice rings out in the endless blank, echoing back to me as I alone must answer the existential question posed by this can of Monster.

last main thing to compare is the can design itself. Juice Monsters have fun designs that fit their can descriptions and color scheme that correspond with their flavor. Ultra Peachy Keen, like I’ve discussed previously, has flowery designs and is a nice peach color. Rehab, on the other hand, has no designs, which is fine; Original Monster doesn’t either. however, the color is…orange. like, not even a “maybe that’s just a dark peach” kind of color. no, orange. I’m doing a side-by-side comparison with a can of Ultra Sunrise as I type this and they are almost the exact same shade. Rehab is just slightly more yellow.

I understand not doing a can design. like I said, that’s fine. but, the color? if Ultra Peachy Keen’s peach shade was an issue for contrast or printing on a plain background, they could’ve at least gone with a more rose-y color than orange. because peaches don’t go from light yellow-orange to dark yellow-orange, they go from light yellow-orange to deep reddish-pink. while the color on the can is a color that peaches can theoretically have, it’s not a color that’s actually associated with peaches. most variations of the peach emoji 🍑 are a darker orange color, but they’re red-orange instead of yellow-orange. when I think “peach” I don’t think “medium orange,” yknow?

if you’re wondering why I’m talking so much on this post it’s because I’m procrastinating doing my laundry. let’s just get into it. I am shaking it gently, as advised on the can, to unsettle the tea.

  1. definitely smells like peaches. 10/10
  2. definitely tastes like peaches and tea mixed together. 7/10
  3. the lack of carbonation is not doing this drink any favors. 2/10
    • it’s like someone shut all the background noise off mid-conversation. we’re still saying the same things, just to a room of eerie silence.
  4. aftertaste is peaches, but not as sweet as Ultra Peachy Keen. 7/10

overall rating: 7/10. it’s a perfectly serviceable peach tea, but I honestly did not enjoy the experience of drinking this. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t drink energy drinks for the caffeine, and this drink seems to have removed every other aspect that makes a drink enjoyable (color, carbonation, sweetness, can/bottle design, etc). this is probably a good choice for someone who doesn’t want all the cloying dressed-up nonsense of a Juice Monster, but that dressed-up nonsense is in fact the only reason I actually drink Monster, so I don’t see myself drinking this again anytime soon.

the other Rehab Monsters, I imagine, will not be judged as harshly, because most of them are not analogous to a Juice Monster. my enjoyment of this one was definitely a bit hindered due to my being able to compare it to Ultra Peachy Keen, but only slightly. the only other Rehab that has a direct analog is “Watermelon” (note: not “Watermelon Tea”) (to Ultra Watermelon, which I have tried before but haven’t reviewed on this blog yet). I guess we’ll have to wait and seeee.