Monster Speedrun

March 19, 2025

hot minute with no post. sowwy. I have so many monster reviews cooking in my drafts so I'm just going to post them all at once. the last review I actually posted was back in april, so this is basically every new flavor I've tried for the past year. sue me. several of these are new (written within the last few weeks before publishing) because I decided to start hitting up a gas station within walking distance of my workplace.

here's the table of contents, for your convenience:

Cafe Latte

the description on the can reads as follows:
"Gingerbread, cinnamon dolce, peppermint white mocha…your mobile app would even laugh at you for ordering that! For those of us who love their coffee the classic way comes Java Monster Cafe Latte. Coffee forward with the right amount of cream and sugar, then supercharged with the Monster energy blend. Coffee done the Monster way. Wide open, with a take no prisoners attitude and the experience and know-how to back it up."

the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Coffee forward with cream and sugar"

RATING: CRINGE
I've, again, said this before, but you are not special for having a "simple" or "basic" coffee order. you are just another person with a substance addiction. the java monsters generally taste good, but my enjoyment of them is hampered by can descriptions that read like a boomer's facebook post. next up you're gonna be complaining about "trigger warnings" (read: mandatory allergen disclosures).

like the other java monsters, cafe latte doesn't really have any can art. the can is a dark brown with a solid white border around the top rim. both the image and text monster logos have gold borders around their characters. gold is the accent color for all the can's text.

taste test time

  1. exploded on me even more violently than usual. insert joke about your mom here. 0/10
  2. smells like coffee. 10/10
  3. it doesn't not taste like coffee. I really don't know how to describe it. the flavor is really weak, but not in the sense that a lot of cream or sugar has been added, because it's not sweet. it just tastes watered down. 5/10
  4. the aftertaste doesn't taste like coffee. it tastes more like spoiled milk. 2/10
    5. overall rating: 3/10. I did not receive any joy from drinking this, and I don't see myself spending money on this again any time soon. I think I would prefer the gingerbread cinnamon dolce.

    Irish Creme

    the description on the can reads as follows:
    "As luck would have it, you're holding the new and improved Java Monster Irish Crème! It's a taste straight from the old sod. Rich, lush, and coffee forward, topped with signature sweet Irish Crème flavor and supercharged with legendary Monster energy blend. Coffee done the Monster way, wide open, with a take no prisoners attitude and the experience and know-how to back it up. You found this can, so you've already got the luck of the Irish going for ya!"

    the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Non-Alcoholic Irish Coffee"

    Rating: Eh
    at least they didn't mention leprechauns

    our peace doesn't last, unfortunately. unlike every other Java Monster I've reviewed so far, this one actually has can art. the background of the can is green (because irish, why wouldn't it be) with the Monster logo being dark brown and the lettering on the can description being black. off to the sides we have some very interesting imagery: a skeleton with a beard and a gold tooth wearing a tophat with a four leaf clover in the band, a couple horseshoes, a pot of gold, a skeletal hand playing a harp (the harp has a figurehead in the shape of a skull), and a healthy supply of celtic crosses. there's also a snake whose tail wraps around basically the entire can.

    there's one part of the can art that really confuses me. above the tophat skeleton and horseshoe there is what appears to be some kind of animal with celtic crosses for its front two legs and a four leaf clover for a tail? in lieu of back legs there is what appears to be one large foot with large claws/talons. the creature's face is pointy like a snout or a beak. it's also mirrored on the other side of the can, but without the front legs. I honestly have no idea what this creature is supposed to be. I'm too lazy to upload an actual picture of the can so here's an artistic rendition:

    anyone who is more familiar with irish folklore than I am please feel free to respond.

    you know what comes next. here we go:

    1. didn't explode on me, unlike every other java monster so far. 10/10
    2. smells like some good ass coffee. 1000/10
      • I almost don't want to taste this because it smells sooo good and if it tastes bad I'll be disappointed lmao.
      • it's like walking into a coffeeshop. when I think "coffee," this is the smell I'm imagining.
    3. tastes like some good ass coffee. 10/10
      • it's not overly sweet, and the coffee flavor is rich without being bitter. I really don't even taste the usual "Monster blend"
    4. the aftertaste is very sweet. I'm assuming that's the titular Irish Crème^TM. I'm not really a fan. 6/10

    overall rating: 10/10. this is genuinely probably the best premade coffee I've ever had. I am 100% stocking up on this the next time I see it at the store.

    Pacific Punch

    the description on the can reads as follows:
    "Typical punch it's Not! Lighter, less sweet and more complex. A flavor as deep and wide as its name sake the great Pacific. Naturally we added our Monster Energy Blend to help put wind in your sails and keep you steady and on course no matter how rough the seas. Pacific Punch your adventure awaits arrgh…"

    the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Classic Fruit Punch."

    RATING: Huh?????
    that can description sounds like someone's actual first rough draft. the random capitalization on the first line? the punctuation?? the random "arrgh"??? the last line doesn't even make sense???? did they proofread at all????? am I having a stroke????????

    the can art isn't much better. the background is a light beige with accent colors red, white, blue, and brown. we're treated to a healthy portion of nautical motifs, including a compass, a busty mermaid, a wave, a shark, an anchor tied to a rope, and a sailing ship. aforementioned rope also wraps around the image of a heart with a dagger through it, next to an eagle holding a banner in its claws reading "death before dishonor." yikes. I'm not sure why red, white, and blue was considered the appropriate theme for "Pacific" punch. the longer I look at this, the more questions I have.

    I hope this tastes better than the copy editor wants me to believe. I had some regular fruit punch yesterday, so that will be the standard I hold this to.

    1. smells like fruit punch, 10/10.
    2. it's red just like basically every other fruit punch, so at least they covered their bases. 10/10
    3. tastes like very sour fruit punch. 8/10.
      • I'm not sure how I was expecting carbonated fruit punch to taste, but this about meets those expectations.
    4. aftertaste is fruit punch /shrug 8/10.

    overall rating: 8/10.
    it's a perfectly serviceable fruit punch. I can't even say it doesn't add anything to regular fruit punch, because I like the slight tanginess and I could see myself reaching for it in certain moods. it's just that looking at this can raises more questions than it answers. who on the Monster team decided their target audience for a classic fruit punch was patriotic sailors? who looked at a glass of punch and thought, "yknow, this is great, but I wish it reminded me more of my time in the marines." is it because it's red, so they went with a well-known colorscheme containing red? does fruit punch have some kind of cultural foothold in the navy that I'm unaware of? Monster Energy please answer my calls

    Pipeline Punch

    the description on the can reads as follows:
    "Banzai Pipeline, the world's most famous wave, on Oahu's fabled North Shore comes alive for just a few brief months every winter. In honor of this epic force of nature, we created Juice Monster Pipeline Punch. The perfect blend of the best flavors Hawaii has to offer - passion fruit, orange & guava, then 'Monsterized' with a full load of our famous energy blend. And, just like the wave it was named for, it is destined to become a legend!"

    the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Passionfruit, Orange, and Guava"

    RATING: Ok
    I could've sworn the can description used to be different

    I've actually had this flavor several times before. it was one of the first Monster flavors I ever had (probably due to it being one of their more popular flavors and therefore being widely available). I drafted a review of this about a year ago, but I never finished it, so I'm just starting over. also, I'm writing this after writing the review of Ultra Vice Guava (further down this post), where I said I wasn't sure if I'd had a guava drink before. I didn't know this drink was supposed to be guava flavored until I read it on the site just now. take that as you will.

    the can is a warm pink, like salmon (the color). The art for this can is a lot different from the style newer cans follow, in that most of art is happening behind the nutrition label and can description, rather than in the empty space next to the central Monster logo. because of that, the art is pretty simple: many leaves, fronds, and wide-petaled flowers. presumably reminiscent of hawaiian flora. I think it looks nice, and it gets the job done.

    time for the fun part. again, I've already had this drink more times than I can count, and I know that I like it. nevertheless, we continue:

    1. smells fruity in a tropical way, 10/10.
    2. tastes mainly like passionfruit. the other flavors are there, but not as strong. not bad tho, 10/10
    3. the orange is especially noticeable in the aftertaste. I have established that I am a fan of orange drinks, so I am okay with this, 10/10

    overall rating: 9/10.
    "but chance," I hear you cry, "you rated it 10/10 on every point! how could it possibly be a 9/10 overall?" here's the thing: it's unimpressive. pipeline punch is by all means a good drink. the can looks nice, the blurb isn't too cringe, and I enjoy every flavor in the process of drinking it. it's just never made a lasting impression on me. Monster Energy could discontinue this flavor tomorrow and I wouldn't be too torn up about it. I think it's the fact that they've released so many variations of "punch," it just kind of loses its novelty, y'know?

    in comparison, I think about Ultra Blue, which is my favorite Monster flavor ever. I had it a handful of times, and it made such a lasting impression on me that *several years later*, when I couldn't find it again in stores, I bought it in bulk online. Pipeline Punch just doesn't inspire that kind of emotion in me.

    (also, these overall ratings have no mathematical basis and are calculated entirely using vibes.)

    Rehab Tea + Lemonade

    Like the previous Rehab Monster I reviewed, there isn't a can description. In place of that, there's just a list of ingredients. The flavor profile, as described on the website, is "Brewed Tea and Lemonade"

    Rating: Meh
    I have a headache

    as is the Rehab Monster way, there isn't can art. The background is a disconcerting yellow (more reminiscent of pineapple than a lemon tea) with black text/logo and yellow accents. There's nothing metallic or reflective about the Rehab cans, which is kind of weird when compared to the other Monsters.

    really the only preamble I have for this is that I quite enjoy the tea + lemonade combo. the Brisk lemon iced tea is one of my go-to drinks (along with their regular lemonade). although recently I tried the Arizona Tea arnold palmer for the first time and it was disappointingly mid. all this to say, I've experienced the full spectrum and I'm hoping this one comes out towards the top.

    without further ado:

    1. smells like a tea + lemonade (kinda strong on the tea), 8/10.
    2. the tea taste is stronger than the lemonade taste, 5/10.
      • forgot to shake it up. that's my bad, 0/10
    3. now that it's shaken up, the tastes are pretty equal, 8/10.
    4. the aftertaste is a very sharp lemon taste. not sure how I feel about it, ?/10
      • I enjoy lemonade more than I enjoy tea, so erring on the side of positive, 7/10.

    overall rating: 6/10
    it didn't blow my socks off, but it's not bad. better than the arizona arnold palmer. if I was in the mood for a tea + lemonade and I specifically wanted to drink it out of a can, this would be what I'd go for.

    Rehab Wild Berry Tea

    no can description on this can. see above. the flavor profile, as described on the website, is "Mixed Berry."

    Rating: Okay

    the color for this can is a deep maroon. the image on the website makes it look more purple than it actually is. I'm pretty sure I've dyed my hair this exact color. also, this can has a normal somewhat-metallic sheen to it, compared to the other rehabs that were oddly matte.

    I like mixed berry even more than I like lemonade tea. mostly in candy as opposed to drinks tho. it's past my bedtime rn. have I mentioned that I don't actually like drinking tea all that much.

    1. remembered to shake it before opening the can this time, 10/10.
    2. smells like berries and tea, 8/10.
    3. tastes like berries and tea, 10/10.
      • it definitely reminds me of a Brisk drink I've had before. I want to say it's their raspberry iced tea.
    4. the tea taste is a bit stronger in the aftertaste, but it's not overpowering, 6/10.

    overall rating: 8/10
    it's pretty good, but I can get the Brisk drink that tastes the same and is twice as big for half the price. the can is a nice color though.

    Reserve Kiwi Strawberry

    The description on the can reads as follows:
    "No juice, tea, coffee, or any tweaks to the energy blend. Monster Reserve is straight-up original Monster in new amazing flavors. It's the ideal combo of the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad buzz that only Monster can. Monster Reserve packs a powerful punch but has a smooth, easy drinking kiwi strawberry flavor. Athletes, musicians, anarchists, co-ed's, road warriors, metal heads, geeks, hipsters, and bikers dig it- you will too."

    I cannot for the life of me find this flavor on the website.

    Rating: Mysterious
    where did it come from? where did it go? also do you think they actually expect anyone to read the can descriptions, or is it just there to make the layout look nicer?

    I don't know what makes Reserve Monsters special. This will be my first time trying a Reserve Monster. From my understanding, it sounds like they just add the flavor directly to the "Monster blend" instead of making it sweeter like with the Juice Monsters. I guess we'll find out.

    The can is plain black. The text is silver, the logo is red (strawberry), and the rest of the flavor text is green (kiwi). Can't fault them for not being very adventurous with it. Maybe the Reserve Monsters are just repackaged Juice Monsters but this time marketed without theatrics so the manly men don't have to share a favorite flavor with the queers.

    I forgot to mention, kiwi strawberry has always been one of my favorite juice flavors. You know the Capri Sun pouches? I could demolish a whole box of those in less than a day if they're kiwi strawberry. So this Monster has some big shoes to fill.

    without further ado:

    1. smells like kiwi strawberry. the strawberry is particularly strong, which I like. 10/10
    2. this actually tastes good as hell??? the strawberry is strong but not too overpowering, and you can still taste the kiwi. It actually tastes like strawberry kiwi juice. 10/10
      • the flavor reminds me of the Strawberry Whip Rockstar, which is one of my parents' favorite energy drinks.
    3. this is honestly every Ultra Strawberry Dreams wasn't. 10/10
    4. the aftertaste is mainly strawberry. it's also kinda sour, which I'm a fan of. 10/10

    overall rating: 10/10.
    this one actually surprised me. I don't know why the strawberry flavor does so well here but not in the actual strawberry drink. maybe kiwi really carries. I can definitely see this becoming one of my new favorites. also if you're a man reading this and you like this drink you're a faggot.

    Reserve Orange Dreamsicle

    The description on the can is the same as above, but the "smooth, easy drinking" flavor is "creamy orange sherbet." The flavor profile, as described on the website, is "Monster Energy with creamy orange sherbet."

    Rating: Bruh
    On the website, the " sherbet" is behind the transparent PNG of the Monster can. Bad web design.

    As is typical of Reserve cans, there's no can art. The Monster logo is a bright orange, and the banner text and other accents are a pale yellow. Looks dreamsicle-y enough, I guess.

    I've talked about this during my Sunrise review, but I like orange drinks. I haven't had an orange creamsicle since I was like 8, but I recall enjoying that, for the most part. The orange Monster was pretty good, so I can't imagine they screwed this one up all too much.

    1. Smells like orange and vanilla, 9/10.
    2. Tastes like orange-flavored cream soda. idk what else I expected, 8/10.
      • the orange has that distinct artificial taste that creamsicles often do, and I don't think I'm a fan, 4/10.
    3. The aftertaste is very sweet and heavy on the "cream" flavor, 6/10.

    Overall rating: 6/10
    this drink is fine for what it is, but I find it overly sweet in a bad way. Much like an orange creamsicle, I wouldn't turn it down if it were offered to me in the future, but I don't see myself seeking this out for its own sake any time soon.

    Reserve Peaches N' Creme

    Stop me if you've heard this before, but the description on the can is the same as above, but the "smooth, easy drinking" flavor is "peaches & crème." the flavor profile, as described on the website, is "Monster Energy with sweet peaches & crème"

    Rating: Hmm
    the "& creme" part of the flavor is behind the monster can png. imagine if the monster energy website was actually designed properly

    like all the other reserve cans, there isn't art. the can is plain black with peach-colored accents and silver text. I'm generally on and off about peach flavors, so I don't know if I'll enjoy this.

    1. smells like peaches, 10/10.
    2. tastes like peaches, 10/10.
      • the peach taste isn't too strong, which I like. I'm not a fan of peach teas that are really strong.
    3. I don't taste any creme. false advertising, 0/10
    4. the aftertaste is faintly peachy. pleasant. 10/10

    overall rating: 9/10
    I am so tired man. anyways this tastes nice. I generally enjoy peach drinks, but it can be hit-or-miss if they're too strong. this one balances the flavor nicely. made me burp a lot tho, and monster never does that. sus. will be buying this flavor again.

    Rio Punch

    the description on the can reads as follows:
    "Brazil does it big. It's home to over 70% of all fruits ever known. Throw-in the world's largest party, Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro and you get some epic inspiration! Juice Monster Rio Punch is a totally new taste sensation. It's a blend of exotic fruit flavors with a hint of spice, that's fully loaded with out world-famous Monster energy blend. From the shore of Copacabana Beach to the top of Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio Punch will have you partying into the night."

    the flavor profile, as described on the website, is "sweet papaya, vanilla ice cream, hint of black currant"

    rating: Hmmm
    it's hard for me to focus on the text of the can description, because immediately to the right is an illustration of a scantily-clad woman in what is presumably meant to be a carnaval costume.

    as for the rest of the can art, the background is green with a yellow diamond in the center, reminiscent of the flag of brasil. underneath the can description are some black and white wiggly lines like you would see on the border of a "psychedelic" themed premade poster on your graphic design software of choice. the bikini woman is wearing a tall feathered headdress, in front of a large pair of butterfly wings. above her are some leaves and fronds and what appears to be a zipline??? the zipline only leads into the monster logo tho, and not to the other side of the can. on the other side is a sun wearing a carnaval mask, the christ the redeemer statue, more fronds, what appears to be a city skyline, and a toucan. it's a lot to digest.

    I am not looking forward to this.

    1. smells fruity. in a bad way. sort of orangey. 3/10.
    2. this actually tastes quite good. I'm pleasantly surprised. 9/10
      • when I was younger, papaya used to be my favorite fruit. I can definitely taste the papaya in this. 10/10
    3. I can taste a little bit of vanilla. that's only because I'm looking for it, though. 6/10
    4. the aftertaste is a faint mix of fruity/vanilla, sort of like a creamsicle. not bad, 7/10.

    overall rating: 7/10. I honestly really like how this drink tastes. my hopes for it weren't high, so it caught me off guard. the smell isn't doing it any favors though, and the bikini woman is egregious. it's like the mustache sombrero skeletons on mango loco, is it worth it? if I drink this in the future, I'll probably be using a cup so as to discard the can as soon as possible.

    Salted Caramel

    the description on the can is the same as basically every other java monster can ("enough of that coffeehouse BS already!"). I'm not sure why some of them have unique can descriptions (like Irish Creme) and some of them don't. couldn't think of an interesting way to call salted caramel some anti-soyboy nonsense? lame.

    the can art isn't particularly interesting, either. the background is a bright yellowish-brown (similar to a particularly pale caramel, I suppose) with the Monster logo and text being dark brown and black. on the borders of the nutrition label are dark brown ferns/leaves. not entirely sure if that evokes an image of salt and/or caramel in my mind.

    I don't know if I'm looking forward to drinking this. I don't dislike caramel, but it's a bit too rich for me most of the time. I am a fan of "salty and sweet" things, but not salted caramel specifically. I think I'll either really like this drink or really hate it.

    1. smells like coffee. 10/10
      • reminds me of loca moca.
    2. tastes like coffee. 10/10
    3. I really don't taste caramel at all. disappointing. 0/10
    4. the aftertaste is a generic mocha/coffee. it's not bad, but not what I'm looking for. 3/10

    overall rating: 5/10. it's a perfectly serviceable coffee, but that's because the taste is perfectly generic. I don't taste caramel nor salt in the slightest. I feel like I've been lied to. I haven't had loca moca recently enough to remember what it tastes like, but I have a feeling that if I were to compare these two side by side, they would be pretty similar.

    post script: while staring despondently at the can as I finished drinking this disappointing drink, I noticed that phosphorus was listed on the nutrition label alongside the vitamins. it struck me as a bit odd, because I couldn't recall seeing that before (and phosphorus isn't something I would typically think to put in an energy drink), so I'm looking at the nutrition labels for all the other java monsters online. of all the ones I've tried so far, they all have phosphorus on their nutrition labels besides Irish Creme and Loca Moca. what does it all mean? what does phosphorus do for a drink? why those two specifically? my initial explanation would, of course, be that it's still in the drink, just not displayed prominently on the nutrition label. but still, why? it's also a funny coincidence (or is it a coincidence? cue music) that Loca Moca and Irish Creme are the two Java Monsters I've rated most highly. much to think about.

    decided to do some further research. here's some interesting info I've found regarding energy drinks and phosphorus content:

    • "Phosphorus-based ingredients are commonly used in processed food for moisture retention, leavening, flavoring, emulsification, coloring, etc." (Moser et. al, 2015). I feel this doesn't apply to this scenario for the most part, because Monster is not (at least, I would assume) moisture-retaining, leavened, or emulsified (in beverages, emulsification can suggest the use of nondairy creamers (Gutekunst, L., 2010), but Java Monsters do use milk, which acts as an emulsifier itself; however, all of the Java Monsters contain milk, presumably in similar amounts, but the exact measurements are not listed). It could be for flavoring or coloring, but I don't know what kind of flavor tones phosphorus adds to a drink and I don't know how it would contribute to color, either. More on that later.
    • "...including phosphorus content on the nutrition facts label is optional." (Moser et. al, 2015). I found this particularly interesting. It would support my theory that the phosphorus is indeed present in Loca Moca and Irish Creme and simply not disclosed on the label. But that leaves me the question of why. Why choose to not disclose it on those two drinks specifically? Another report on the phosphorus content in beverages suggests that it might be the difference between naturally occurring phosphorus and phosphorus salt additives (Wickham, E., 2014).

    works cited: https://www.ajkd.org/article/S0272-6386(15)00511-9/fulltext https://www.jrnjournal.org/article/S1051-2276(13)00181-7/fulltext https://www.jrnjournal.org/article/s1051-2276(09)00292-1/fulltext

    Ultra Blue Hawaiian

    chronologically, this is the last review I'm writing in this compilation. contrapositively, this is the newest flavor released by Monster Energy. I have a few preliminary thoughts:

    1. as can be deduced by the name, this flavor has a Hawaiian theme. knowing how Monster operates, this means it's probably going to be so racist that it could get a blue check on twitter
    2. my favorite Monster flavor is Ultra Blue. if that gets phased out in favor of this drink I will piss and shit and punch a hole in rodney sacks' drywall. consider this my final warning.

    the description on the can reads as follows:
    "Whether you're in beast mode, vacay mode, or just chillin' island style, Ultra Blue Hawaiian will fire you up to be your best! Light, crisp, and super easy drinking with a tropical tiki twist, Blue Hawaiian is a killer combo of exotic Polynesian fruit flavors that are big on taste, but with zero sugar. With a full load of our world-famous Monster Energy Blend, this aloha energy will keep you goin' and the shakas flowin' from dawn patrol to last call."

    the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Light & Easy-Drinking Tropical Blend"

    RATING: ew
    it only goes downhill from here, my friends

    the can is a bright blue, more vibrant than the color for Ultra Blue. next to the can description is art of some fish swimming beneath a line of waves, along with assorted leaves and plant motifs. the majority of the space is taken up by a woman dancing and holding a head-shaped object whose right eye is a fish skeleton. towards the top of this section is a tiki head. the other side of the can has similar depictions of masks/statues, as well as more leaves and waves. that side also has an image of the sun and a volcano. there's also symbolic iconography, such as a stick person holding a spear, and a person on a boat riding a large wave. the art has green accents throughout, which complements the blue nicely.

    I can't say I'm a big fan of things that bill themselves as "tropical," so I'm not looking forward to this:

    1. smells like fruit punch, but I can distinctly identify the scent of pineapple, 0/10.
    2. tastes like pinacolada. idk what else I expected, 0/10.
      • if I drink it fast enough, I can focus on the rest of the generic fruity flavors. not much of an improvement though, 3/10.
    3. the aftertaste is still unpleasantly reminiscent of pineapple, 2/10.
    4. I'm ngl this gets worse with every sip. idk if I'll be able to finish this.

    overall rating: 1/10
    this is the most unpleasant Monster I've had in a long time. congrats to this flavor for being the first I've had to dump out because I couldn't stomach finishing it. I'm sure it won't be the last tho, because there's an actual pineapple flavor.

    Ultra Fantasy Ruby Red

    this is a new flavor; I only saw it for the first time a few months ago (editor's note: this review was originally written back in june LMAO). I've been very excited to try it. I also recently discovered one of the vending machines on campus started stocking this flavor, so if I end up liking it, I'm in luck. I would also like to dedicate this post to my classmate Casey, who cracks open one of these at the beginning of every class. hope your son is doing well casey.

    the text on the can reads as follows:
    "We're always dreaming-up [sic] new things at Monster and sometimes we totally break convention. Enter Ultra Fantasy Ruby Red. It may be the best tasting Ultra yet! Not too sweet, not too tart, its got a fresh citrus taste that'll blow your mind. While it's light and super easy drinking, it's serious on performance. Ultra Fantasy is packed with all the legendary Monster Energy blend you've come to expect. We called on longtime friend, Pink Taylor for design. OG fans might remember seeing him doing live paintings at Monster events as they rolled through town. We've got his painted surfboards and canvases hanging all over HQ. Now you've got your own Pinky masterpiece too."

    the can art is certainly very eye-catching. I think it's quite nice. the can is divided vertically into three colors: the label is on a dark red-pink background, the monster logo is on a bubblegum pink background, and the space to the left of the nutrition label is a sky blue. bisexual slay. the dark pink section has doodles of flowers, hearts, and some manner of creature (bunnies or chibi bears, maybe), and the blue section has drawings of rectangular monsters with large teeth and red eyes. one of them has spikes on its head. these are probably well-established characters in the Pinky Lore^tm but I'm not hip with the kids so I wouldn't know. they're cute, though. I like this can's art.

    I will say that I'm a fan of citrus flavors. as I'm writing this, I don't have internet connection, so I don't actually know what the flavor profile on the website says it's going to be. (editor's note: the flavor profile, as described on the website, is "Fresh Pink Pamplemousse")

    the moment we've all been waiting for:

    1. smells VERY citrusy. like grapefruit maybe?* 8/10
    2. definitely tastes like a fruit. I can't place what though. 8/10
    3. grapefruit seems right*. I don't know if I've ever actually eaten a grapefruit, but I've enjoyed every grapefruit flavored drink I've had. 10/10
    4. there isn't much of an aftertaste, honestly. that might just be because I was really thirsty so my mouth is pretty dry, though. 5/10

    overall rating: 8/10. I enjoyed this drink. not enough that I would crack one open every tuesday and thursday at 4pm, but if it were in the vending machine and I wanted a drink, I wouldn't object to grabbing one out of convenience.

    * since I wasn't able to look up the flavor, I was very proud of myself for being able to identify the grapefruit flavor (pamplemousse is an ancestor of grapefruit)

    Ultra Vice Guava

    this is an actually new flavor (at the time of publishing), and also the one I bought most recently. the description on the can reads as follows:
    "Miami has it all, mind-blowing Latin energy, premier racing from NASCAR to F1, and world class beaches with the hottest clubs right on the sand. Whether you're an over-the-top partier or an undercover crime fighter in a pastel suit, T-shit, and loafers - you gotta stay energized! From South Beach to Calle Ocho, looking good and feeling good is what it's all about: With zero sugar to weigh you down, the fresh taste of perfectly ripened guava, and our world-famous Monster Energy blend, Ultra Vice Guava has you covered."

    Rating: Okay
    the pastel suit thing is a reference to miami vice, presumably. I'm not a partier or a crime fighter and I don't like racing or beaches and I can't sing and I can't dance and my shoes aren't nice and I don't have a lot of money

    I really like the can's color scheme. the background is a pale mint/turquoise with dark pink accents, and the top/rim of the can is also dark pink. the art contains beaches, palm trees, flamingos in fedoras, a car with the monster logo on the hood, and a smattering of overlapping triangles and various other shapes, a la 90s disposable cups (I've just learned that particular pattern is called "jazz"). very vaporwave.

    I don't think I've ever had a guava. I'm pretty sure I've had guava-flavored candy or juice at some point, but I can't remember what it tasted like or if I liked it.

    here we gooo

    1. smells fruity. the scent kind of reminds me of peaches, 10/10.
      • it reminds me of a different monster flavor, but I can't place it off the top of my head (editor's note: in retrospect, could be pipeline punch? I didn't have them open at the same time so I couldn't compare)
    2. it tastes different than it smells. presumably this is the taste of guava. it's not bad, but it's not good. 4/10
    3. it just tastes very...artificial? like you had a koolaid packet but you didn't add enough water to dilute the taste, so you're just drinking syrup. 2/10
    4. the aftertaste is better. reminds me of a hichew candy, 7/10

    overall rating: 6/10
    the taste is mid, but the can is pretty enough to somewhat make up for it. I don't see myself buying this again any time soon.

    Viking Berry

    Last one. This is another new flavor, acquired during my recent orbit of the nearby gas station. I just wrote the review for Rehab Wild Berry Tea a couple days before this, and I'm hoping this drink surpasses that. The description on the can reads as follows:
    "The Vikings were valiant warriors who loved a good drink! They saved the very best of what they gathered, grew, bartered, and pillaged for their celebratory feasts. Inspired by wild Nordic berries and Scandinavian fruit comes Juice Monster Viking Berry. Like nothing you've ever tasted, Viking Berry blends real fruit juices and arctic flavors for a whole new taste experience. Loaded with our world-famous Monster energy blend to power you through your next adventure. Grab your drinking horn and take a swig, skol!"

    The flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Berry flavors with a unique twist."

    RATING: Lame
    when I think of Vikings and the arctic, my thoughts don't jump to berries and fruit.

    The can design is significantly more involved than the past few cans I've done (chronologically speaking). It features a scene from a Nordic landscape. In the background is a magenta sky fading into a blue and white ocean, complete with mountainous glaciers. There's a rowboat with a gaggle of Vikings in their little pointed hats. The can description is contained within a stone slab. Next to the slab is a woman in stereotypical Viking armor (complete with braided blonde hair) standing behind a snarling wolf. On the other side of the Monster logo is a man in stereotypical Viking armor (complete with a long blonde beard) standing behind a pile of skulls (all wearing horned helmets). He's resting his right foot on the "E" in "Juice". The "+" in "Energy + Juice" is overlaid on a random floating hammer.

    I like that magenta and other pink/purple tones feature so prominently on the can art, but the rest of it makes me cringe. Viking imagery is so horrifically uncool.

    Let's just get this over with:

    1. Smells very berry, 10/10.
    2. Tastes very berry, 9/10.
      • I'm trying to figure out what the berry flavor is. It reminds me of every mixed berry smoothie or yogurt I've ever had. Perplexing/10
      • I'm also trying to figure out what the "unique twist" is. Is it just the "Monster Energy blend"? No other leads so far
      • I think it's black cherry*. Would match the dark pink motifs as well. :thinking:/10
    3. The aftertaste reminds me of the sparkling grape juice my parents get for New Year's Eve, 10/10.

    overall rating: 8/10
    I'm intrigued and perplexed by this drink, which almost substantiates enjoyment. I'd probably drink it again, at the risk of being seen in proximity to Viking imagery. Is it worth it? Remains to be seen.

    * Based on the ingredients list, it's cherry, black currant, blackberry, and bilberry. Another win for the investigative prowess of my taste buds.