Monster: Ultra Paradise

May 22, 2023

I need to figure out an interesting way to start these posts. hooks have always been one of my weaker areas in writing. like, you Will read my review of monster energy flavors. or you won't. I don't really care either way. shrug emoji.

anyways, this post is about "Ultra Paradise." the description on the can reads as follows:
"Where is paradise? A chalet on the slopes, a stream side ranch or a penthouse in the city. How about a private island with a white sand beach, turquoise water and a gentle tropical breeze. Monster Ultra Paradise, pure, crisp, invigorating island flavors. Kick back and enjoy. Paradise is wherever you can find it!"

the flavor profile, as defined on the website, is "Kiwi Lime with a hint of Cucumber"

RATING: sure

the website description has so many typos compared to what's on the can lmao. also, monster updated their website and it somehow got even worse.

the can is a lime green color. all the details are silver. on one side of the can, there's a shoreline with a palm tree and mountains on the horizon, a sharkfin in the middle distance, and footprints leading away from a beach chair with an umbrella closest to the viewpoint. the other side of the can is similar. shoreline, mountains, palm tree, with the addition of a sun and clouds, as well as a bird (toucan maybe?) holding what is possibly a bikini top in its beak.

also, I am inherently distrustful of anything that markets itself as "tropical." mainly because that almost always means pineapple flavoring gets thrown in there somewhere, and I hate the taste of pineapples. I know there's a pineapple monster, and this one only says kiwi, so hopefully we'll be spared. we will see.

    review time. here we go.
  1. smells fruity? reminds me of the scented lip gloss I get at the dollar store. it's not bad, but it's like the uncanny valley of fruit scents, you know? 7/10
  2. tastes good, mashallah. 10/10
  3. definitely not tasting any cucumber, but I don't think I'd want a cucumber-flavored drink anyways. 10/10
  4. honestly conflicted on the kiwi flavor. it doesn't not taste like kiwi, but idk if my brain can comprehend kiwi flavor being carbonated, so my brain is just like fruit??? sour fruit???????? 8/10
  5. same with the aftertaste. there's definitely Something there, but I can't quite place it. kinda just feels like I got a bit of aforementioned scented lip gloss in my mouth. 8/10

overall rating: 8/10. I expected to be disappointed by this flavor (curse of the green can, I suppose) and was pleasantly surprised. I'd definitely drink this again. however, the idea of "paradise" as a tropical island is a gross colonizer fantasy and unsettling, to say the least. that's probably the worst part about this whole thing.